Last Chemo Day!!

     August 8 was Hannah's last IV chemotherapy appointment. She had to be sedated for this appointment, which she hated. I don't have words to describe that day. It was such a mix of emotions for me. I was relieved and happy to be finished. I was scared for her to stop the chemotherapy. I wondered if life would ever feel normal again. I wondered how we were supposed to just move on from this whole ordeal.
    We had a long talk to her doctors about after-treatment issues - risk of relapse, what to watch for, long-term effects, etc. Since day one Hannah's doctors have been incredible about spending time with us to explain things and answer all of our questions. They endured all of my crazy-Mama questions and concerns. They were always careful and thoughtful to make sure Hannah was healthy. They treated us with such kindness and compassion. They saved our daughter's life. And the nurses...the nurses. There are no words. There was never a moment when they were not sweet, patient and understanding. They truly showed us love every time we stepped foot in that hospital. They put up with Hannah through her steroid tantrums, through her kicking and screaming and having to be held down for pokes. They never got frustrated. How can our gratitude ever be expressed to these people?
      Leading up to and especially during that day I felt like I had some survivor's guilt. It's not fair that my daughter gets to be healed and walk away from this disease. Why did she get the curable kind of cancer when so many other children don't? Why do we get to live in the United States where we have access and can afford healthcare to cure her. I have felt these things throughout her illness but it was extra poignant that day.
     During this sedation and the last one, Hannah fought the doctors. The doctors said she was kicking and bucking while she was supposed to be asleep. I don't understand what went on in her subconscious mind. How much can be processed and understood during anesthesia?  They had to give her extra anesthesia to make her be still for the procedure. I felt bad for her because she hates it so much that she fought even through the drugs. She definitely has a fighting spirit! I think this toughness in her has helped her cope over the last two years.
      It took her longer to wake up from her sedation because of the extra anesthesia. I just wanted to get out of that place. I have noticed that the more we go to the hospital, the more I want out of there. There is such a heaviness in that place for me. I can see it on the worried parents' faces. I feel it when I look at the kids with their sick, broken bodies. And I also felt the rush of emotion coming on from deep in my heart. Every one of the things I mentioned in the previous paragraphs were welling up in my heart. All I wanted to do was get to the car so that I didn't cry in front of everyone. I held it together until the last few minutes. Her doctor came in to check on her one last time. Hannah was still asleep. Her doctor leaned over, looked at Hannah and offered these words of encouragement to help me not worry about the awful possibilities of relapse and more cancer: "One day she will be an old woman, sitting on her porch, watching her grandchildren play." And I lost it. I mean ugly crying where you can't talk and can barely breathe. I think in my heart that moment will stay with me forever.

When we got back from the hospital, Lauren, Evan and Gam had decorated the hotel room with pictures and balloons.

Lauren was so sweet and excited for Hannah to be finished!

      We had a dinner with our Atlanta friends to celebrate. I think it was one of my happiest nights ever! It was such a special time with these awesome friends who have loved and supported us through it all. We love them all!

  When we got home the next day there was a surprise waiting. Sweet Aunt Dee Dee and Aunt Whitney, with help from our wonderful Arlington neighbors, decorated our yard. Hannah, Lauren and Evan squealed with excitement when we drove into our driveway.

The last number!! Can you tell how excited she was? 

Lauren's happy dance.

This picture was taken the day we got home from the hospital after she was first diagnosed. 

This girl has been through a lot. She is strong and resilient. We are thankful. So very thankful!

Summer Recap

   I'm pretty sure there is no one out there who still checks in on this blog. I have completely failed in updating it over the last few months. I'm sad about that because there was so much that happened and I wish I had kept up with it. There were a couple of reasons for this failure. First, our computer, which we had for eight years, died a painfully slow death. And when I say slow, I mean it would take ten minutes or so to import one picture onto this blog, and sometimes even typing wouldn't work. It would take forever to create a post, so I procrastinated in keeping it updated. The other reason is that I had so many conflicting emotions about Hannah getting to the end of her treatment. I didn't know how to process all that I was feeling and didn't have the mental and emotional clarity to get it down in writing. That being said, I will try to remember the summer as best as I can on this post.
   

Lauren and Hannah had their end of the year dance recital.

Afterwards, Lauren was happy and thrilled from the performance.

And Hannah had a meltdown.

This is a random picture taken after dance class. I think it captures Hannah's spirit perfectly. She is girly in her dance outfit but also rough and tough (notice the shredded tights, which were probably a brand new pair!) And no outfit would be complete without her cowgirl boots! 

We were extremely thankful and excited to go back to the Lighthouse Retreat this summer. As always, I was not good about taking enough pictures but here are a few to remember the week by.

    Hannah's appointments went smoothly over the summer. Her blood work looked great and except for two emergency room visits for fever, there were no other problems. 

This is one of the amazing clowns at the hospital. She is showing Hannah an invisible ball that made sounds when thrown into a paper bag. Hannah was mesmerized and very disappointed when the trick wouldn't work at home.